Children

One of the most puzzling and worrisome things a Thai woman living in the West has to cope with is probably observing the way westerners bring up their children and the resultant behaviour that can occur.

One of the earliest TV shows my wife became fascinated by while living in the UK was a show called “House of Tiny Tearaways”. It is a show that puts dysfunctional families into a Big Brother style house and viewers get to see how various consultants advise the parents on new techniques to improve the behaviour of their children.

My wife was amazed to see the kind of tantrums and out-of-control behaviour that British children could show. She was equally amazed to see the appeasing nature of many parents as they indulged their off-the-wall kids.

Of course, what my wife saw was the extreme end of bad behaviour as exhibited by western kids and she has met many well-behaved western children that she both admires and find entertaining.

But it is clear that there can be a great disparity between Farang ideas on children’s education and those of traditional Thais.

Western parents place great importance on instilling a great sense of independence in their children from an early age. A western child is seen as an autonomous individual from a very early age and it is necessary to “negotiate” with him or her if parents want to get what they want.

Western parents have to use positive behaviour management to try to make children realise that it is in their best interest to behave. Punishing children is increasingly seen as something that “bad” parents or weak parents do because they have not learnt more “modern” techniques of reinforcing good behaviour.

In my native country, Denmark, a young person would be very respected if he or she left home at 16 to live on their own. For each subsequent year that the young person stays with his parents his credibility and respect among peers will decline.

Farang parents also seem relieved when their young ones fly the nest and prove that they no longer need their help. Of course, many times young people in the West are helped by the state instead of their parents, eg. in terms of housing, education etc.

In many parts of Thailand such scenarios do not occur. Girls are still expected to stay with their parents until well into their twenties. In some parts of Thailand the young woman probably stays with her parents until she gets married. If the Thai family is struggling to make ends meet some young women will go to Bangkok to work in factories etc., but their attachment to their home still seems very strong and they will happily move back to stay with their parents for extended periods if it can be arranged.

The attachment and obligation that young people in Thailand feel towards their parents is instilled from an early age. Thai mothers rarely leave their kin out of sight and will do their utmost to make sure that their children’s needs are met. They engage in a kind of indulgence that does not lead to the kind of tantrum-ridden and attention-seeking kids of some western families.

The Thai child is not encouraged to be self-dependent in its childish ways, but rather to depend on others for satisfaction. Soon it is taught to acknowledge its dependence by respecting its parents and elders (the child is taught a special respect for its mother). A sense of obligation is also slowly inculcated into the child. The child reciprocates its dependence by conformity and gratefulness.

Thai children soon learn to keep the social process pleasant and non-controversial, and understand that disturbance may be dangerous. A Thai child throwing a Farang-style tantrum will obtain nothing except severe rebukes and social ostracism. Such behaviour is so much at odds with traditional Thai values that some families may even think their child has gone crazy! Thai children soon learn that to obtain what they want they need to show respect and be willing to accommodate.

The sense of obligation a Thai child is expected to feel towards is mother is very special. In Thai education, the idea is inculcated that mother is the most important of persons. She has given life to the child, suffering for and feeding it at great psychological and physical cost to herself. What’s more, she is the source of love and care, and she gives freely. This tide of goodness (bunkhun) results in a moral debt on the side of her child, a debt that it is never able to repay.

The only thing that the child can do to reciprocate is to love its mother. This love is expressed in being obedient to her, in considering and anticipating her feelings, and in showing gratitude and respect. Not to do so would imply the denial of the goodness of the mother, a repudiation that would come closest to the western notion of sin.

Thai parents use a very subtle and successful socialization process that ensures that Thai children grow up relatively docile and inert, even in their misbehaviour. For every unwanted trace of egoistic wilfulness the skilful parent will provide a soothing sensual substitute – some sweets or coins which diverts the child’s attention towards these pleasures and the security they bring. Eventually the child identifies itself with this desire to get along and satisfy his or her creature comforts.

Thais show indulgence to their children, like Farangs, but this indulgence has always tended to lead towards a moral education where the child would be expected to repay its debts towards its parents, especially when they reach old age. Thai people are taught to recognise the selfless sacrifice their mothers made for them while they were children, whereas western children seem absolved of all such obligations.

Western parents seem fearful that they should bring up their children to become too clingy, too attached to their home. Such a lack of independence could indicate that their child will become unsuccessful in life, unable to fend for itself. So Western parents seem to accept the disrespect children can show towards them and other authority figures, such as teachers, in the hope that at least they are independent, strong characters.

Thai women coming to live in the West may be fearful that their children will grow up totally western and reject basic Thai values. It will always be a challenge for a Thai-Farang couple to navigate the upbringing of their offspring in a balanced and successful way. The couples who manage to promote the best of both cultures in their children are the true champions!

If you have any comments to this article please post them here

Some comments on this article:

Although your article appears to take a general view between Thai and UK kids. You seem to have not taken into account class differences. There are differences between how poor working class parents from North East Thailand bring up their children and how middle class and high society parents do. This can also apply to the UK.
Saying that its a good article and a welcome alternative to other sites about Thailand that appear to show little respect for Thai culture. Keep up the good work!

By T. in London, UK